They're like pigeons…

More fun from our little friends, Ernius and Bertus. You first met them, perhaps, in their conversation about environmental problems. They can also be found in a newer dialogue about "losing faith in Santa Claus". Enjoy the ride. I do.

Ernius: It's still early.

Bertus: So?

Ernius: So I still want to go to the club.

Bertus: Eesh. Keep your social dandruff off me.

Ernius: What? It's just some fun. Have you got a better idea, mon cherif?

Bertus: Sure, pass me my Novocaine. Hopefully it will hit kick in by the time you call me mon cheri. Dull the shock.

Ernius: You have Novocaine? Anyway, man, I just feel like seeing some hot chix. Cuz I know they're gonna be there.

Bertus: Dude, they're always gonna be there. They're like pigeons. They're everywhere and they're all the same.

Ernius: So you don't think I should go?

§ § §

Ernius: Well, if I'm staying home tonight, I'm gonna check out some Russian wives.

Bertus: Oh yeah? I almost bought one of those in college.

Ernius: Really?

Bertus: Yeah, it terrified me. I kept clicking my mouse everywhere and shouting, "Delete! Delete her! Refund her back to Russia!" I thought they charged my account and I didn't know what would happen next. For a few days after that I kept expecting some Russian heavy to thump on my door and break some of my favorite bones.

Ernius: But nothing happened.

Bertus: No. I ended up Russian-bride-free, after all. Hence you have always known me as a Russian-bride-free rogue.

Ernius: I want to check it out, but I mean, is it really reliable?

Bertus: What do you mean?

Ernius: Well, I mean you have to know somebody. Are these girls really any good if they're willing to marry anyone online?

Bertus: They're not willing to marry anyone. That's why they're in that service. It protects them from louses…like yourself, I might add…and protects you from girls who would find a man in some less noble way than a website.

Ernius: But how can you be sure it will be a good relationship? Isn't it a bit phony?

Bertus: Phony? You're a man, she's a woman. Nothing phony in that. As long as you stick to your bedrock priorities––whatever those…might be in your case––and as long as you can communicate, it's a sure thing.

Ernius: But what if she speaks bad English? How can we communicate then?

Bertus: Use your imagination, man. And, never mind what my detractors say, I am not necessarily being lewd and crude. Language is the least important part of communication anyway. Which is why I try to minimize it. Do you mind?

Ernius: You've already read that book. And it's upside down.

Bertus: Foiled again.

Ernius: Look, I'm just trying to say, what if we have nothing in common? I mean different cultures and all that.

Bertus: Nothing in common? She wants out, you want in––there's your common ground.

Ernius: Well, I'll give it a shot.

Bertus: Me too: a long shot.