Thursday, July 10, 2008

No such animal…

[This title refers to the Maine farmer who, upon seeing a giraffe at the Boston zoo, on his first trip to Beantown, in fact, simply insisted, "There ain't no such animal."]

Run-down mobile home in a run-down suburban cul de sac. A man, ERNIUS, is on his side on his couch watching TV, drinking beer, basically atrophying with a grin. Then the front door opens and in walks his roommate, BERTUS, wringing his hands, visibly anxious.


BERTUS: Oh, hey, yes, hello.

ERNIUS: The hell's wrong with you? You doin' the pee-pee dance?

BERTUS: Uh, no, well, I brought your car back.

ERNIUS: Cool. Did you park it under the tree?

BERTUS: Uh, ya. It's out there. I think––

ERNIUS: Sit down. Springer's on. It's about midget gangs in Winsconsin. I think it's a rerun. They seem taller than the last time I remember.


ERNIUS: That was a joke. Try to keep up.

BERTUS: Yes. Look, man, you need to come outside. I'm sorry.

ERNIUS: What are you talking about? It's hot out there.

BERTUS: But it's about your car. I'm sorry.

ERNIUS: What happened? What did you do?

BERTUS: I was being careful. I thought you said you have insurance.

ERNIUS: I do, but I also still want my car.

ERNIUS downs his beer, shuts off the TV and stands up to put on his T-shirt. BERTUS keeps looking back outside, as if expecting something to explode. ERNIUS walks past BERTUS in a huff.

BERTUS: It still drives, don't worry, it's mostly just the chassis.

ERNIUS: Holy s––t! What happened?

BERTUS: Don't be so loud!

ERNIUS: Is that blood?

BERTUS: … Yes. I didn't have anything to wipe it off with. I just… I just wanted to get off that road and get back here.

ERNIUS: What did you hit? My hood is all pink… and what are all these fuzzy balls on the windshield?

BERTUS: I… It… It happened so fast. I was coming around the hill, out near the lake, and just as I looked it was crossing the road.

ERNIUS: WHAT was it?!

BERTUS: I… I hit a gay deer.

ERNIUS: Oh, great! Do you know how rare those are?

BERTUS: Well, no, I mean I saw a few others at the side of the road.

ERNIUS: I don't have insurance for gay deers, Bertus. This is gonna cost me an arm and a leg to get cleaned up. And look at the windshield. That was from the antlers, right?

BERTUS: Well, actually, he was swinging a baton when he was crossing. That's why he didn't see me, I think. And those pink fluffy things were from his boots.

ERNIUS: Bertus––

BERTUS: Look, he was wearing all that fish net, he blended right into the woods. I mean, granted, they were pink boots… and he had a golden bra on… but I thought it was just the sun coming through the trees.

ERNIUS: Great, just great. What if the marshal finds out about this? I could go to jail. Now I'm gonna have Greenpeace after me AND the ACLU!

BERTUS: No, no, I think it's okay now, except for your car, I mean. The one I hit went back into the forest. I got out of the car to help it, but it was already hobbling back to the others. They all headed to some rave music I heard deeper in the woods.

ERNIUS: Well, at least you didn't hit a bear.


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